My Weight & the unexpected issue it has caused

When I look at myself in pictures, I’m almost always sad by what I see. “I look huge” leaves my mouth every time. Most days when I get dressed and look in the mirror, I don’t think that. I think I look good today. Make up is on point. I love this outfit. Hair looks okay.
But then I see a picture, I try on jeans that’s should fit me, according to the mirror- but they don’t. I am the heaviest I have ever been.

Few people know, that my husband and I have been trying to have a baby since September of 2015. We didn’t tell anyone for a while because we assumed it would happen fast and we wanted everyone to be surprised, not expecting it.

Well after a year of over fifty NEGATIVE pregnancy tests (I like to be really sure!), getting our hopes up month after month, seeing 65% of my Facebook friends having babies and announcing pregnancies weekly, smiling sadly when people ask when we are going to have kids, constantly talking baby names-we were faced with another negative test. (Okay nine negative tests.)

Finally I decided it was time to go to the doctor. I was terrified, panicked that they would tell me the worst possible thing: you can’t have children.

My doctor ordered six blood tests, all of them to test for terrifying diseases; PCOS, diabetes, others I couldn’t pronounce.

The main thing she kept repeating was, “because of your weight”.

And that’s when I realized, I’m not just plus size. I’m not overweight. I’m not curvy. I’m not just fat.

I am unhealthy.

I am at risk for so many things. If I were to get pregnant right now, I would be putting my child at risk too.

Thankfully, all of the tests came back normal. No scary diseases or syndromes or numbers too high or too low.
But the fact still remained, the wake up call rang out loud and clear:

I am not healthy.

My obsession with sweets, my hate for exercise, my “diet starts Monday” philosophy; these are all reasons I am still not pregnant.

This time it’s serious. Actually serious. No more yo yo diets. No more crash diets. This time I need to stick to it. It’s not just to look good in a pair of skinny jeans anymore. It’s not just for me. But for my husband, our dream of being parents, our future children. I want to be able to have fun with my kids and run around without needing to take a break every fifteen minutes. I want to be able to take my kids to a water park and play with them, not sit wrapped in a coverup and a towel hiding myself and watching them have fun.

The only thing I’ve ever been sure of in my life is that I want to be a mom.

There has never been a doubt- I want to be a mom, I want two or three kids and I want to be healthy enough to be around for those kids.

I have not decided on a specific plan of action, a diet plan or exercise routine. So I am asking, begging that you- my readers, family, friends, fellow bloggers- help me.

Pray for me, give me advice, tell me what works and what doesn’t. I’ve done it all and tried it all. Help me do it. Hold me accountable. I want to be healthy. I want to be happy.

The only way I will get there is giving it my all, no more excuses.

This wasn’t easy for me to write or to share. I’ve been depressed and feeling like a failure for months. I never thought I would have a problem, I didn’t even think fertility issues were a possibility at my age. Either way, it is what it is.

All I ask is for your prayers for strength and patience and your advice on what I need to do to be healthy.

A lifestyle change is the only way to get what I want most in my life.

As always, thank you for supporting me and reading, especially these things that are hard to write.

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  1. Hi Jess!

    I think your vulnerability and heart is absolutely incredible and inspiring. Thanks for the share.
    For awhile I was not only struggling with losing weight or maintaining weight… but I was GAINING weight! I was doing all the right things. Diet and exercise were completely on point. But within this last year I lost 30 pounds (without trying all that hard, either). Could I have lost more? Probably. But my goal was to become healthy, not skinny.

    So I wanted to drop in a few thoughts.

    I think one reason that diets don’t work is because when we start a diet, it’s usually based off an emotion. We can’t stand the way we look and it’s making us want to lose weight! We feel frustrated or impatient, definitely discouraged. One huge step I took in my journey was laying a solid foundation of conviction and truth down. Instead of not eating that muffin because I “couldn’t stand the way I looked and am on a diet” I actually learned about what muffins were, and what they really did to my body. (Substitute muffin with anything!)

    It started with a book called Skinny Bitch by Kim Barnouin
    This gave me deep convictions about the food I was really eating, where it was coming from and what it was actually doing to my body! The more I educated myself, the easier it became to say “no”… because even if my body wanted it, my mind said “no way”
    They say knowledge is power, now I know why. Emotions are unsustainable, logic isn’t.
    So I will go ahead a list some great books and Netflix Documentaries, I highly recommend them as they are extremely helpful and entertaining but also aid in laying that foundation.

    Skinny Bitch
    Wheat Belly

    Food, Inc.
    Fat Sick and Nearly Dead
    Forks over Knives
    Hungry For Change

    Im sure there are more, just Google if interested.

    After a couple years of research and self experimenting I have two ABSOLUTES that will work no matter what else you do; cut out 1) Gluten 2) Sugar

    Both are poison to our bodies.
    No more “low fat” products (take out the fat, dump in the sugar)
    It was also important that I learn what happens to the body when we ingest sugar.

    Ingest sugar –> insulin spikes (insulin is our weight gain hormone) –> vicious cycle, cravings –> do it again

    Take out as much sugar as possible. If you are having cravings, that usually means that you are coming off of something your body is addicted to or you are lacking nutrients/minerals elsewhere! For example, if you crave chocolate, that is a sign that your body is lacking magnesium. I take magnesium pills!

    When I cut out gluten I dropped weight without even exercising. I will not go back to eating gluten. The book “Wheat Belly” will give you the run down and the deep convictions.

    If you want to get healthy, focus on health. Not calories. Not crazy diets. Don’t over complicate it. Read labels. Learn what to look out for. Educate yourself about health (you will become passionate in the process!) Only shop at health grocery stores (They will inspire you!) Natural grocers and whole foods are good ones.

    But I did want to close out with one thing.

    God is the one who determines life.
    Not you, your husband or your body.
    Sure, there are things you can do to enable God’s blessing.
    But even women who are healthy have trouble getting pregnant.
    Sarah and Abraham conceived at a late age. Nothing is impossible with God. (Do you really believe that?)
    It’s about God and his will, and I know you know that!

    Do what you can, educate yourself, be consistent and realistic and then rely on God.
    I wish you the very best on your journey!

    1. Thank you so much for all of this info and I apologize for the delayed response. I will definitely be looking into to all of that. Books and documentaries are a great tool!
      I have faith that God’s will will be done, whatever it may be.

  2. Hey Jess,
    This was very brave and inspiring and I hope that everyone feels as moved as I do. As someone that is active I know that for myself when I start to see my body changing for the worse and the numbers going up on the scale, I crack down on my eating. There are moments in my life that I am not healthy or active at all and I realize I need to get back in to the healthy routine. My advice is to not over do it. Start with small steps. You can’t go from never running to running miles every day, that’s what gets people frustrated. Start by going on walks and bike rides, and when it comes to eating healthy, try to eat until you are full instead of finishing your plate or going up for seconds. One of my down falls is food. I am not one of those people that can eat salad everyday. So instead I try to stick with stuff I like but use portion control. I hope that helps, and if you ever have questions or need anything always feel free to ask.

    1. Thank you so much for all of this, I’m sorry it took so long to get back to you. I really appreciate all of this. I have been starting small and seeing changes. I know I will reach my goals even if it takes a while. I really appreciate your kindness and advice.

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