When I look at myself in pictures, I’m almost always sad by what I see. “I look huge” leaves my mouth every time. Most days when I get dressed and look in the mirror, I don’t think that. I think I look good today. Make up is on point. I love this outfit. Hair looks okay.
But then I see a picture, I try on jeans that’s should fit me, according to the mirror- but they don’t. I am the heaviest I have ever been.
Few people know, that my husband and I have been trying to have a baby since September of 2015. We didn’t tell anyone for a while because we assumed it would happen fast and we wanted everyone to be surprised, not expecting it.
Well after a year of over fifty NEGATIVE pregnancy tests (I like to be really sure!), getting our hopes up month after month, seeing 65% of my Facebook friends having babies and announcing pregnancies weekly, smiling sadly when people ask when we are going to have kids, constantly talking baby names-we were faced with another negative test. (Okay nine negative tests.)
Finally I decided it was time to go to the doctor. I was terrified, panicked that they would tell me the worst possible thing: you can’t have children.
My doctor ordered six blood tests, all of them to test for terrifying diseases; PCOS, diabetes, others I couldn’t pronounce.
The main thing she kept repeating was, “because of your weight”.
And that’s when I realized, I’m not just plus size. I’m not overweight. I’m not curvy. I’m not just fat.
I am unhealthy.
I am at risk for so many things. If I were to get pregnant right now, I would be putting my child at risk too.
Thankfully, all of the tests came back normal. No scary diseases or syndromes or numbers too high or too low.
But the fact still remained, the wake up call rang out loud and clear:
I am not healthy.
My obsession with sweets, my hate for exercise, my “diet starts Monday” philosophy; these are all reasons I am still not pregnant.
This time it’s serious. Actually serious. No more yo yo diets. No more crash diets. This time I need to stick to it. It’s not just to look good in a pair of skinny jeans anymore. It’s not just for me. But for my husband, our dream of being parents, our future children. I want to be able to have fun with my kids and run around without needing to take a break every fifteen minutes. I want to be able to take my kids to a water park and play with them, not sit wrapped in a coverup and a towel hiding myself and watching them have fun.
The only thing I’ve ever been sure of in my life is that I want to be a mom.
There has never been a doubt- I want to be a mom, I want two or three kids and I want to be healthy enough to be around for those kids.
I have not decided on a specific plan of action, a diet plan or exercise routine. So I am asking, begging that you- my readers, family, friends, fellow bloggers- help me.
Pray for me, give me advice, tell me what works and what doesn’t. I’ve done it all and tried it all. Help me do it. Hold me accountable. I want to be healthy. I want to be happy.
The only way I will get there is giving it my all, no more excuses.
This wasn’t easy for me to write or to share. I’ve been depressed and feeling like a failure for months. I never thought I would have a problem, I didn’t even think fertility issues were a possibility at my age. Either way, it is what it is.
All I ask is for your prayers for strength and patience and your advice on what I need to do to be healthy.
A lifestyle change is the only way to get what I want most in my life.
As always, thank you for supporting me and reading, especially these things that are hard to write.