Is there anything that hurts like being invisible? I’m beginning to wonder…
Invisibility sounds like a cool super power. You can sneak around without anyone noticing. You can eavesdrop. You can scare people. It all sounds like buckets of fun. Unfortunately, the invisibility I have is not a super power.
I understand people get caught up in their own lives. We all have our own issues. We are all fighting a battle, some public and some private. We all struggle. We expect people to be there for us and listen to us, but do we do that for others?
I have always been somewhat of push over. My needs come last. My focus is always on others’ issues and how to solve them. I trust easily. I forgive easily. I genuinely enjoy helping others and being a friend, but I feel like I get that in return from very few.
This last year I have often fallen into my rut, my dark place. Struggling to map out my career goals, unable to decide what I want to do, trying to grow my family, trying to lose weight, and ultimately feeling like a failure. Some days all I want is sleep, some days sleep isn’t possible. Most days all I want is for some of the people I love most to realize I’m struggling, and care.
I have people in my life who are there for me and beyond, but the people I need it from the most simply aren’t there. The people I’ve done the most for. The people I’ve put first. The people I go to bed worrying about. Where are they on days I can’t get out of bed? Where are they when I get bad news? Where are they when I need to vent or cry?
No matter how much some of my family has hurt me, I can’t just cut them out. They can continue not to call. They can continue to drop me lower and lower on their list of priorities. They can make a million excuses. They can paint me as the bad guy. I still can’t bring myself to treat them how they treat me. Instead I try to talk to them.
I say to them: Yes, I’ve told you how I feel before. I don’t need you to rescue me. I don’t need anything from you. I just don’t want to feel invisible. You use the excuse that I’m fine, stable- you don’t need to worry about me, but I’m not always fine. You don’t understand that all I want from you is love. Call me. Invite me to things. Include me. Let me know you care.
I’m not asking for much, I just don’t want to feel invisible.
I don’t know what will make me reappear, but I will keep you all updated.